FRODO: Gandalf, you son of a bitch!
Gandalf looks at Frodo and also opens a smile.
GANDALF: Come here, you little bastard!
Frodo runs to the road and jumps on the chariot, then, hugs Gandalf.
FRODO: What are you doing here, Gandalf?
GANDALF: What the fuck do you think Im doing here? Im visiting Bilbo!
FRODO: Why?
GANDALF: Its not your fucking business!
Frodo looks at Gandalfs face and notices the pipe.
FRODO: What are you smoking?
GANDALF: Weed.
FRODO: Is it the good kind?
GANDALF: What?
FRODO: Is it good?
GANDALF: Boy, this is guaranteed to jack you up!
FRODO: Our weed is good too.
GANDALF: Yeah, right! Id rather smoke a monkey than smoke that piece of shit!
FRODO: Are you selling it?
GANDALF: Are you fucking crazy? I brought this from Mirkwood! Its too strong for you anyway.
Te chariot passes by a group of kids. The kids start running after the chariot on the road.
KIDS: Gandalf, fireworks!!!! Gandalf! Gandalf!! Fireworks!! Fireworks!!!
Gandalf continues to look straight and the kids stop running. They all look sad.
GANDALF: Do you want fire works? Ill give you some freaking fireworks!
Gandalf takes a Machine Gun from his coat, aims to the sky and shoots!
TATATATTATATATATATTA!!!!
They kids all scream and run away crying.
Frodo is laughing.
FRODO: Gandalf, it was good to see ya.
Frodo jumps of the chariot.
Gandalf arrives at Bag End, Bilbo Baggins house.
He jumps of the chariot and knocks on the door.
Bilbo screams from inside the house.
BILBO: What the fuck do you want, you pieces of shit!!! I dont want anybody here.
GANDALF: Not even an old sexual partner?
Bilbo opens the door and sees Gandalf. He jumps and hugs Gandalf.
BILBO: Gandalf, come in!
{mospagebreak}
They both enter Bilbos house.
When Bilbo closes the door, Gandalf takes a Beretta and points at Bilbos head.
Bilbo looks at Gandalf, scared.
BILBO: Gandalf, what are you doing?
Gandalf takes of his mask and Bilbo sees that its not Gandalf, but Saruman!
SARUMAN: Gandalf my ass! Give me the freaking ring!
BILBO: Saruman!!!!
The REAL Gandalf kicks the door open, with a shotgun on his hand.
GANDALF: Get yout hands of him, you bitch!
SARUMAN: Frankly, my dear… I dont give a fuck.
Saruman shoots Gandalf three times in the chest with the Beretta. Gandalf shoots Saruman with the shotgun, Saruman dodges the bullets and escapes from Bilbos house.
Saruman jumps on his horse and runs away.
Gandalf falls on the floor, hurt. Blood is coming out of the bullet holes.
BILBO: Dont worry, Ill take care of you Gandalf!
Moments later, Gandalf is at Bilbos bed, and Bilbo is plucking out the bullets from the wizards body, and sewing the holes.
GANDALF: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
BILBO: Dont be such a wuss!
GANDALF: Hey, shut your pie hole, or Ill turn you into a fucking toaaaAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
BILBO: Great! Now, theres blood all over my carpet!!!!!
GANDALF: Stop whining and finish sewing this bruises.
BILBO: Bruises?!? You look like a fucking sieve!!!!
GANDALF: OUCH!! That hurts! That hurts!
BILBO: If you could just hold still for A FUCKING SECOND!!!
GANDALF: I need my weed to relax…
BILBO: Dont worry, later Ill make you relax. Il take care of your tomatoes and your banana, if you know what I mean.
Gandalf opens a smile.
Its night and we are at Bilbos party! Lots of hobbits dancing, drinking, eating! Everyone is happy!
Sam is behind a house, in the middle of the woods, having sex with Rosie!
Frodo is sitting in a table, smoking weed.
Bilbo is telling a story for a group of kids.
BILBO: So, there was I, with a troll trying to kill me! I take my sword and stick it up the trolls ass!
The kids laugh!
Merry and Pippin are lighting up a dynamite inside a house.
MERRY: Wheres the lighter?
PIPPIN: Lighter? We are 7000 years before the lighter is even invented!
Merry sees a candle.
MERRY: Get the candle.
Pippin gets the candle and lights up the dynamite.
PIPPIN: Ok, now what?
MERRY: Run!
They get out of the house.
The house explodes!
{mospagebreak}
Everybody in the party claps and smile!
MERRY: Lets do it again!
Gandalf gets comes up and slaps Pippins face.
GANDALF: You little dirty motherfuckers!
Bilbo stands up on top of a table.
BILBO: Everybody!!! Please, look here! Speach!!
Everybody at the party looks at him, quiet.
BILBO: Well, I wanna thank all of you! Such wonderfull bunch of assholes! The Blowjobers, Assfuckers, Baggins, Tuks, Brandybucks, Pussylovers! All of you! Although I dont like half aswell as you deserve and half of you I like half as much as I would like to deserve aswell as like, but like half of you half aswel as you would like me to deserve all of you!
Everybody look at each other. Nobody understood what Bilbo just said.
BILBO: The truth is… Well, I hate all of you! Goodbye, motherfuckers, you can stick the whole Bag End up your asses!
Bilbo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. Everybody is shocked!
We are now inside Bilbos house. The door opens slowly and then closes. We suddenly see Bilbo appearing out of nowhere. He took the ring of his finger. Bilbo hears a voice.
GANDALF: Come here, in the bedroom.
Bilbo enters the bedroom and sees Gandalf in his bed.
GANDALF: I was waiting for you!
BILBO: Not now, Gandy. Not now.
GANDALF: Whats the problem?
BILBO: I got to get the fuck out here before anyone sees me!
GANDALF: Not even a blow…
BILBO: No!
GANDALF: Alright, do what you want! But are you sure you are going to take the ring? You saw what Saruman did! He might find you, kill your motherfucking ass and take the ring. What is this ring, anyway?
BILBO: I dont know.
GANDALF: Are you sure?
BILBO: Yes I am, Gandalf. Ill leave it to Frodo anyway.
GANDALF: The ring?
BILBO: No, my ass!!!! Of course its the ring.!
GANDALF: You know Frodo is still in his adolescence. He might use the ring for masturbation, since he cant get any sex in the Shire.
BILBO: Dont worry about Frodo, the goats take care of his sexual desire.
GANDALF: Ok. Do what you want!
BILBO: Goodbye, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Goodbye, you little bastard!
Bilbo starts walking to the door.
GANDALF: Bilbo, arent you forgetting something?
BILBO: What?
Gandalf gets a dildo from under Bilbos bed.
BILBO: Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!
GANDALF: Remember, Bilbo. Safe sex!
BILBO: Alright, Ill leave the ring on the table.
GANDALF: Alright, get the hell out of here already! Your starting to piss me of!!!!!
{mospagebreak}
Bilbo runs out of his house and closes the door.
GANDALF: I wonder if Ill ever see that little ass again…
Gandalf walks out the door and jumps on his horse. He sees Frodo coming.
FRODO: Gandalf, where the hell are you going?
GANDLF: Im going, but Ill be back, soon. Ah, and Bilbo left you a little present on the table.
Frodo runs inside the house, looks at the table and sees the ring.
FRODO: Yesssssss!!!!!!!!!!
Frodo puts on the ring and becomes invisible. Hes in the Shadow world now, but he can see almost perfectly everything.
He gets out of the house and runs down the road to Sams house.
He enters Sams garden and looks inside the house to see Sam and Rosie having sex.
FRODO: I should have gotten popcorn!!!
Rosie starts spanking Sam in the ass. Sam is screaming. Fr
odo lowers his pants and starts to masturbate.
FRODO: Oh, boy! Spank him! Spank him!
While Frodo is masturbating, the ring slips off his finger and he doesnt notice. He continues to masturbate, but now visible.
Sam and Rosie look at him, surprised. Frodo sees that Sam and Rosie are looking at him!
Frodo pulls his pants up, gets the ring and runs away.
WEEKS LATER
Frodo is at his house, sitting in the couch drinking beer with Pippin. Hes telling Pip a story.
FRODO: So the guy gives me three kilos of we…
PIPPIN: Kilos? What the fuck are talking about? What are you, Miami Vice?
FRODO: We deal in kilos.
PIPPIN: Thats fucking stupid.
FRODO: I know. Then, I get the weed and the guy tells me that hes going to his house to get a briefcase. He goes there, comes back with a fucking huge 38, points at my forehead and says: "You made a deal with the wrong fucking person!".
PIPPIN: Hahahahahahhaha!!
FRODO: And the guy had a german accent, so I say to him: "Hey, Nazi, put the fucking gun down cause there are two snipers aiming at your head. If you dont wanna die, you better put the gun down.".
PIPPIN: The guy bought that?
FRODO: Yeah!
PIPPIN: Haahhaahahahhaha! Man, thats stupid!
The door opens and Gandalf enters Frodos house.
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Peregrin, get the hell out of here, I have to talk to Frodo.
PIPPIN: All right!
Pippin leaves the house and Gandalf sits down on the couch. He looks worried.
{mospagebreak}
GANDALF: You still have the ring, dont you?
FRODO: Yes, its on my drawer.
Gandalf runs to Frodos bedroom.
Frodo lights up and starts smoking pipe weed.
Gandalf comes back with the ring on his hand. He throws the ring in the fire, than gets the ring and puts it on the table.
GANDALF: Frodo, come here.
Frodo goes to the table and sits down, still smoking the pipe weed.
GANDALF: This is it! Look at the ring! The inscriptions! Frodo I have to tell you something.
FRODO: Ok.
Frodo is very high already.
GANDALF: One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them, One ring to bring them all and in the darkness, bind them.
FRODO: Your a poet and you dont know it! Hahahahahahahahahahaahhaha!!!
GANDALF: Stop smoking that weed.
FRODO: Ok.
GANDALF: This is Saurons fucking ring. It was made a long time ago. This ring was being used by Sauron, The Motherfucker, in the Battle of the Last Alliance, when Isildur took it. But the son of a bitch had a weak heart, like all humans. Instead of destroying this ring, ending Saurons power, he took it with him. Isildur died and the ring was lost for 2500 years in a river. The ring was found by Smeagol. That little sucker also was corrupted by the ring. He took it to a cave and there he started rotting for 500 fucking years. Then, Bilbo found it. Now, its in your hands. The ring must be destroyed.
FRODO: What?
GANDALF: Sauron is seeking it. Seeking it with all his tought. Hes going to find the ring. Thats why Saruman wants it!
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Hurry! You have to leave to Bree, now. I cant go with you, I have to talk to someone.
FRODO: Hum?
GANDALF: Wait, i can here someone.
Gandalf turns and sees Saruman spying on the window.
GANDALF: Son of a bitch!!!!!
Gandalf takes his Uzi and shoots at Saruman.
TATATATATATATATATATATTA
GANDALF: Frodo, get down!
FRODO: Hum?
TATATATTATATATATATATATA
Saruman gets his rifle and starts shooting!
POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!
Suddenly, Saruman notices that there is someone behind him.
Its SAM! Sam hits Saruman with the shovel that hes carrying!
Saruman looses his weapon and runs away.
FRODO: Sam?
Gandalf pulls Sam inside the house.
GANDALF: Arent you the little bastard!
SAM: Well, I do my best!
GANDALF: I think I might have a job for you…
SAM: Sorry, Gandalf. Im not gay.
GANDALF: No! Not that type of job!
{mospagebreak}
THE NEXT DAY
Its morning. Frodo and Sam are walking and walking and walking through plains and valleys and grass and woods.
SAM: So, what are we doing?
FRODO: I dont know. Something about a ring, a… a race car… a bee…
SAM: A bee? Dont you mean Bree?
FRODO: Yes, we must get to Bree.
SAM: Why?
FRODO: How the fuck should I now?
SAM: Well, because youre the fucking Ring Bearer!
FRODO: Lets go to Bree. Ok?
SAM: Ok.
FRODO: And Sam, Im sorry I spyed on you. That thing, you know? You and Rosie…
SAM: No problem.
FRODO: Is she good in bed?
SAM: Rosie? Naaaaa… Average. I had better sex. Boy, I would like to screw an elf. I mean, they have super speed for something, right? Man, an elf in bed has got to be a dream!
FRODO: Well… You will never meet an elf, so forget it.
SAM: Wait.
FRODO: What?
SAM: This is the most far I have been from home.
They stop walking.
FRODO: Look! A car on the background!
SAM: Where?
Sam looks behind and Frodo pulls him.
SAM: Hey!
FRODO: Lets go! We dont have time for this.
SAM: Well, I saved your life, Im coming with you with a ring that has the power to destroy Middle-Earth. You should give me a fucking break!
Frodo and Sam are walking on a huge plain, nothing around them. Suddenly, Merry and Pippin appear out of nowhere.
SAM: Merry? Pippin?
MERRY: What?
FRODO: What the hell are you doing here?
MERRY: We dont know. We had to go with you on this trip with you. It was Tolkiens original plan. But some cheeseball called Peter Jackson didnt want the original way we would meet, as seen in Tolkiens book. So, the fucker comes up with his own way of us to meet. But Folco Gamgee didnt like that way, so the bastard wrote it this way. It was fucking destiny.
FRODO: Ok. Were going to Bree.
PIPPIN: Ok. Lets go!
So, there they were. The four hobbits. Walking their way into a wild trip, where courage and honor are very important.
PIPPIN: Im hungry.
MERRY: No food.
PIPPIN: Im really hungry!
MERRY: Well, you can suck my balls if you want to.
FRODO: We aint stopping until we get to Bree.
{mospagebreak}
Gandalf travells through many roads with his horse in high speed. He, then, arrives at the Northern Hills, in a small vilage. He stops his horse in front of a dark, dirty bar, full of travellers like himself. As he enters the bar, everybody looks at him.
Gandalf is looking for someone. And he finds the person, Radagast, The Brown. Hes a tall, black man with a small afro hair.
Gandalf sits down on Radagasts table.
GANDALF: Radagast!
RADAGAST: Gandalf, my man! Let me buy you a beer, you son of a whore!
GANDALF: Theres no time!
RADAGAST: You look worried. Whats on your mind? What is it?
GANDALF: What is it? Ill tell you what is it. Its the One fucking ring!
RADAGAST: The One ring?
GANDALF: Yep.
RADAGAST: The word on the street is that the One ring is on a hobbits hand. A Baggins.
GANDALF: Well, the word on the street is absolutely right. His name is Frodo Baggins.
RADAGAST: Frodo Baggins. He has it?
GANDALF: Yes.
RADAGAST: So, if the ring has been found…
GANDALF: Yes again.
RADAGAST: Sauron, The Motherfucker.
GANDALF: Hes searching for it. Hes seeking it with all his tought.
RADAGAST: Oh no.
GANDALF: Oh yeah!
Radagast takes a deep breath.
RADAGAST: Where is this Frodo?
The four hobbits are walking at the Old Forest.
PIPPIN: Im hungry.
MERRY: Fuck you.
Back to the bar.
RADAGAST: He is alone?
GANDALF: Hes with his friend. Sam.
RADAGAST: Shit. Are you out of your freaking mind?
GANDALF: Dont worry. Those tiny fuckers can take care of themselves. Now, the word on Middle-Earth is that the Nine left Minas Morgul.
RADAGAST: The Nazgul? Oh boy, theyre in trouble! Some deep shit. And Saruman, The One of Many Faces, might be looking for it too.
GANDALF: He is. But Im much more worr
ied about Saurons forces.
RADAGAST: I understand.
GANDALF: Radagast, I need your help.
RADAGAST: Gandalf, you know you can count on me. I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
GANDALF: So why are you called like that?
RADAGAST: I dont know, but thats not the freaking point! So, what can I do to help you?
{mospagebreak}
THREE DAYS LATER
The four hobbits are on the road to Bree. They are walking in a line, singing.
HOBBITS:
[i]We are hobbits and we are happy,
If you dont like us, you can kiss your own ass.
We are hobbits and we speak the truth.
If you have a problem, you can lick your own ass.
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
Oooh! I deeeaaiiideeeaaaiiiiieeeyyeee!
We are hobbits and we are really small,
If you got some problem, you can fuck your own ass.
We are hobbits and we are smart.
If youre in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
If youre in some trouble, you can torn your own ass.
You can torn your freaking ass!
Hey! [i]
FRODO:
Crawling in my skin,
This ring, it will not heal.
Fear is how it falls,
Confusing what is real.
ooooooooooooooooooh!
MERRY:
Body movin, body movin,
A One ring and the rings so soothing
Body movin, body movin,
We be getting down and you know were crush groovin.
PIPPIN:
Three MCs and one DJ
We be getting rings with no delay
Mix Master Mike what you got to say.
SAM:
Oh, where? Oh, where can my babe be?
The lord took her away from me.
Shes to heaven so I got to be good…
{mospagebreak}
FRODO: Wait! Everybody, get of the road! Theres something coming!
The four hobbits hide behind a large tree on the side of the road. They hear a horse coming. A big, heavy horse. They are all scared out of their minds.
A Nazgul mounted on his horse aproaches the tree. He smells something.
Pippin farts. The Nazgul hears the sound.
Sam, on a desperate move, takes the One ring of Frodos pocket and puts it on his finger. The four hobbits see him desapear. Sam is on the Shadow World now, he can perfectly see the Nazguls real form.
Sam runs to the road, picks up a branch and sticks it up the horses ass!
The horse goes wild and starts running down the road with the Nazgul trying to stop it.
Sam takes the ring of and becomes visible.
FRODO: Lets go! To Bree! Only one hour away!
The four hobbits run to Bree as the darkness falls on their road.
Gandalf and Radagast are traveling down an empty road in a huge plain, with their horses riding really fast. Suddenly, a tree jumps in the middle of the road.
Gandalf and Radagast stop their horses.
GANDALF: What the fuck is going on?
RADAGAST: What hell? That aint my bitch!
The tree actually is an ent. A female ent. Fimbrethil.
FIMBRETHIL: Hell, I aint your bitch, nigger. And you aint eating my pussy!
RADAGAST: Hell no!
FIMBRETHIL: Mithrandir! What the hell are you doing here, whitey bastard?
GANDALF: Fimbrethil, we have to pass. Its a matter of life or death.
FIMBRETHIL: I would have let you pass, if it wasnt for the Brownie there?
RADAGAST: Did that bitch just call me Brownie? Im gonna brown your ass, bitch. Gonna get medieval on your wooden ass!
FIMBRETHIL: Hell no!
RADAGAST: I aint called Radagast, The Brown because I smell like shit.
FIMBRETHIL: Its because you look like shit!
RADAGAST: Well, you aint Cameron Diaz yourself, you know?
FIMBRETHIL: I might not be Cameron freaking Diaz, but you aint Samuel L Jackson!
RADAGAST: But you would still let me eat your pussy, bitch!
FIMBRETHIL: Your pissing me of, nigger.
RADAGAST: Well, you know what? You aint a piece of cake yourself.
Radagast pulls a machine gun from his coat and shoots Fimbrethil. The ent falls on the ground, dead.
RADAGAST: As I said before, you aint my bitch!
{mospagebreak}
The four hobbits are running down the road. Its a rainy night. They finally see a gate. Its Bree.
The four hobbits approach the gate and knock on it.
An old man opens the door.
OLD MAN: What is it? Four young hobbits?
FRODO: We must get in. We are here to stay at the Prancing Poney!
OLD MAN: Ok, if you must…
The four hobbits enter the village of Bree, they are running down a empty street, until they see a big sign.
SAM: There its the Prancing Poney.
They enter the house. Its a big place, lots of people, sitting at the bar or at one of the tables.
The four friends sit on one of the tables.
FRODO: Thank Eru, we are here and we are safe.
SAM: Gandalf should be here.
MERRY: Could somebody explain to me what the hell is going on?
PIPPIN: Why did Sam disapear when he put that Ring… Jewel… Thing…
MERRY: And what about those Dark Riders?
PIPPIN: Yeah! Those were some big fucking bastards!
FRODO: Fuck yeah! I dont know who were those, but this in my pocket is the One ring.
PIPPIN: The One ring?
MERRY: The One ring?
FRODO: Thats what I said. The One ring. And you, Sam, never put this ring again. You heard what Gandalf said. This ring can atract the forces of evil.
SAM: Yes, Mister Frodo.
Frodo is looking at someone sitting at another table. Its a tall man, dressed in a coat, sitting at the end of the room, looking at the four hobbits.
Frodo calls a waiter.
WAITER: What? What is your name.
FRODO: My name… Bo…
WAITER: Bo?
FRODO: Boo…
WAITER: Boo?
FRODO: Bs. Boobs.
WAITER: Yes, mister Boobs. What do you want?
FRODO: Who is that?
Frodo points at the man.
WAITER: How the fuck should I know?
FRODO: You have no idea?
WAITER: I dont know. Maybe its Aragorn.
FRODO: Aragorn…
Sam is looking at the other end of the room, where another hobbit, also dressed in a coat, watches them.
SAM: Frodo, it appears we brought some company from the Shire.
Frodo looks at the hobbit sitting on the end of the room. They cant see his face.
MERRY: Im not liking this place.
WAITER: Do you want to order?
FRODO: We want to know if Gandalf is here.
WAITER: Gandalf? That old fag? He hasnt been here for 6 months.
The four hobbits are shocked.
FRODO: Dont worry. Hell come.
PIPPIN: Waiter, bring us another round of beer.
{mospagebreak}
3 HOURS LATER
The four drunken hobbits are all over the bar. They are still drinking, burping, vomiting.
Merry and Pippin are dancing at one side of the bar. Frodo gets up on a table.
FRODO: Everybody. I think I might sing a song.
EVERYBODY: Yes! Sing! Let the Hobbit sing! Yes! A Song! Sing!
FRODO: Its called "Im a hobbit who fucks goats"
EVERYBODY: Yeah!
FRODO:
There was a little hobbit
That lived in the Shire.
Who the fuck he was?
It was my friend McGuiver.
That little bastard
Used to fuck my goats.
I payed a little visit
And fucked his nose.
But McGuiver
Was real strong and faster,
He got into my house alone,
And fuck my little bastards.
I looked up my goats
Real tiny ass.
I saw a large hole,
That was Guivers dick, I guess.
Since its large enough,
Maybe it would fit.
I stuck my large penis,
Up the goats fucking ass.
Im a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
Im a hobbit who fucks goats,
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
EVERYBODY: Yeeeeeee!
Im hobbit who fucks goats
Yeepey Kay Yay I Yo!
{mospagebreak}
Frodo is ready to jump of the table when he trips on a hand that was on the table and falls.
The ring falls of his pocket. Frodo falls on the ground and tries to catch the ring.
The ring enters his finger.
He disapears. Everybody is shocked!
Frodo is in the Shadow World. He sees it. THE GREAT EYE. Its coming right at him.
THE GRE
AT EYE: Give me the ring, little hobbit. You wont resist because I am The Great Eye. I am Sauron, The Motherfucker. I am The Motherfucker!
Frodo takes the ring of his finger. Hes back to the Normal World.
Aragorn pulls him to a small room.
Frodo is still a little dizzy. He sees the Aragorns face.
FRODO: What is your name.
MAN: You can call me Aragorn or…
FRODO: Or?
Strider takes of his mask, to reveal that he is Saruman.
SARUMAN: Or Saruman!
FRODO: Saruman!!!!!
Frodo is in shock.
Someone else enters the room. This time its the real Aragorn.
The real Aragorn has two 45s pistols in his hand. They are pointed to Sarumans head.
ARAGORN: Hell, I know you are fucking wizard, Saruman, The One of Many Faces, but you know what? I dont fucking care. I have two 45s here and thats all I fucking need!
Saruman turns to Aragorn.
SARUMAN: I am Saruman, head of my order, I am the most powerfull wizard alive.
ARAGORN: I still dont care.
Saruman punches both Aragorns hands and the guns drop on the floor.
They start fighting. They are both experts in Kung-Fu.
They fight very fast. Punches, Kicks. They dodge, defend.
POW! PA! BANG! BOW!
Saruman quicky punches 10 times Aragorns face and kicks Aragorns leg. While Aragorn is falling, the wizard kicks him on the stomach and Aragorn flies against the wall.
Aragorn gets up and Saruman starts kicking him fast. Aragorn doges all of the kicks, holds the wizard leg. Saruman kicks Aragorns face with the other leg.
Aragorn falls on the ground, bleeding. He rolls to the side and gets his two 45s.
Saruman sees it and jumps out of the bedrooms window before Aragorn can shoot him.
He gets up and puts his weapons back on the holder.
He looks at Frodo and the other hobbits that arrived, they are all surprised.
ARAGORN: My name is Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Grandson of Arador, Heir of Isildur.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: Im a friend of Gandalf and Im here to help.
FRODO: Ok.
ARAGORN: Cmon. We have to get out of here. The Nazgûl are coming.
PIPPIN: The what?
ARAGORN: The Nine Dark Riders.
PIPPIN: There are Nine of those things? Holy shit!
ARAGORN: Cmon! Glorfindel is waiting down there.
{mospagebreak}
HOURS LATER
Aragorn and Glorfindel are riding their horses. Each one carries two hobbits.
Aragorn carries Frodo and Merry and Glorfindel carries Sam and Pippin.
Aragorn and start talking while riding their horses really fast.
ARAGORN: How long until we get to Rivendell?
GLORFINDEL: At this speed? 2 days!
ARAGORN: We have to go faster, non-stop!
GLORFINDEL: I know.
SAM: Oh, my god! You are an elf?
GLORFINDEL: Yes, little hobbit.
SAM: Wow!
The two horses continued to ride at a very high speed trough the hills, plains and valleys of Middle Earth, on the road to Rivendell.
2 DAYS LATER
Gandalf and Radagast are also travelling on Rivendells direction, but on another road. They are very near the Ford that has to be crossed to get to Rivendell.
When they arrive at the Ford, they stop their horses.
GANDALF: Here, well wait here to Aragorn.
RADAGAST: I have a bad feeling about this. And you know what happens when a nigger has a bad feeling. Specially this nigger here!
GANDALF: There are two great warriors protecting the hobbits and the ring. I dont think we have to worry about anything.
RADAGAST: Yeah, right. Hahahahhahah! Man, you really dont know much about the Nine, do you?
Aragorn and Glorfindel are almost at the Ford when the Nine Riders start following them.
GLORFINDEL: Fuck!
Glorfindel takes a shotgun out of coat. He loads it and shoot. The Nine Riders are riding really fast and dodging the bullets.
Glorfindel keeps reloading and shooting.
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
Aragorn takes one of the 45s out of his coat and also starts shooting.
POW! POW! POW! POW!
The hobbits are screaming.
HOBBITS: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Were going to die!
The Nine Riders suddenly take rifles out of their coat at the same moment.
They aim and shoot with only one hand.
POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW! POOOOW!
One of the bullets hit Frodo in the shoulder.
FRODO: Aaaaaaaaaah! You are dying now, you sick piece of cockstain!
Frodo puts the gun on Aragorns coat and takes out the other 45 pistol.
Frodo shoots it 15 times on the Dark Rider, that falls dead on his horse, but continues riding.
{mospagebreak}
Gandalf and Radagast are at the other side of the river, waiting for the company. He sees them aproaching.
RADAGAST: See, the Nazgul are coming.
GANDALF: There is only one thing to do.
RADAGAST: I know.
The two wizards lower their heads and start speaking in elvish. They are casting a flood.
Aragorn and Glorfindels horses are riding at high speed, they pass by the river.
When the Nine come, a flood is created by the two wizards.
The flood comes in the form of a Bus.
It hits the Nine, they all fall in the water and are taken by the rivers stream.
RADAGAST: Hell yeah! No Liv Tylers here!
BOOK 2
Frodo wakes up in a confortable bed, on a beautiful room. Its a sunny morning on Rivendell.
He sees that his shoulder is cured and the bullet was removed.
Theres someone sitting on a chair on the side of the bed. Its Gandalf.
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Oh, you woke up! How are you feeling?
FRODO: My shoulder, its much better.
GANDALF: I know.
FRODO: Where the fuck is this place?
GANDALF: Rivendell.
FRODO: Fuck no!
GANDALF: Fuck yeah! Elronds whore house.
Elrond enters the room with a smile on his face, looking at the hobbit.
ELROND: Hello, Mr. Anderson.
FRODO: Ahn?
ELROND: I mean, Mr. Frodo.
Sam blasts into the room, screaming for Frodo.
SAM: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! They got elves here! Elven whores! Woo Hoo!
Pippin and Merry enter the room holding machine guns and rocket launchers.
PIPPIN: Hey, Frodo! You have to check this out! These puppies can blast a fucking cow in half!
FRODO: You got guns here, Mr. Elrond?
ELROND: A shit load of them. Cmon, Ill show you the place.
Frodo and Elrond are walking down a big hallway, Frodo looks at the huge hacks full of guns.
ELROND: We make them here. Its the biggest gun factory in Middle Earth.
FRODO: Who made the first gun?
ELROND: Oh, it was Glormir. A mysterious man who, 3000 years ago, brought the first gun to Middle Earth. We dont know how he got here or who made his gun.
FRODO: He died?
ELROND: Yes. During the Battle of The Last Alliance. I remember it like it was yesterday…
{mospagebreak}
FLASHBACK
We are now in Dagorlad as an army on elves and men fight Saurons forces in a battle field. The two armies run into each other with their swords, bows, axes.
Elrond is killing like a fucking mad man. Hes chopping heads, arms, opening their stomachs with his sword.
Elendil is fighting two trolls by himself. He dodges the trolls hammer and cut their legs.
Glormir, using his machine gun, takes out 30 orcs with the ray of bullets.
The Alliance is winning when Sauron arrives at the battle field. Hes twice the size of the men. He has a broadsword on his hand. Hes ready to kick some ass. A platton of elves attack Sauron. He hits them with hes incredibly big sword and they fly away.
Elendil sees the ring on his finger. The One Ring. Glormir takes out his shotgun and faces Sauron. Elendil joins him with Anduril on his hand. This is going to be the greatest battle ever fought.
Sauron strikes Elendil, who dodges, the sword hits the ground opening a large hole. The earth shakes. Glormir fires his shot gun.
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
SHICK, SHICK! POW!
The bullets hit Saurons armor, but they are not strong enough to break through. Sauron sweeps his sword across the battle field. Both Glormir
and Elendil jump on the ground. Elendil gets up and starts to fight Sauron one-on-one. The swords hit each other with great energy. The hole army can feel it.
CLING!
CLING!
CLING!
CLING!
They are hitting and strinking, faster and faster.
Sauron cuts Anduril in half. Then, cuts Elendil chest. Blood is all over the place. Elendil falls dead on the ground.
Sauron feels a sword entering his back and cutting through his body. Its Isildur.]
Glormir loads his shotgun, SHICK, SHICK!
SAURON: Im am Sauron, The Motherfucker. I am invincible!
GLORMIR: No, youre not, Motherfucker!
Glormir puts the shotgun inside Saurons mouth. He shoots it.
POW!!!
Saurons head explode, followed by his body.
KABOOOOM!
The entire army falls on the ground. Glormir dies with the force of the explosion. Isildur falls on the ground, the Ring falls near him.
END FLASHBACK:
{mospagebreak}
FRODO: WOW!
ELROND: Yep.
Its night in Rivendell. Inside the whore house, they are having dinner. The table is full, Frodo and his hobbit friends, Gandalf, Radagast, Aragorn, Glorfindel, Elrond, Bilbo and Elronds daughter, Arwen.
Everybody is singing, talking, eating, laughing.
BILBO: Orwel, can you pass me that banana.
Gandalf looks at Bilbo and smiles.
Sam keeps staring at Arwen. Hes stunned by her beauty.
Suddenly, the whole table looks at the person whos entering the house at the moment. The door opens and a small figure walks in. Its wearing a dark coat that cover his face. He passes by the table, and walks into a big hallway, walking out of the tables sight. He enters a room and closes the door.
Frodo turns to Gandalf.
FRODO: Who is he?
GANDALF: Im sorry, Frodo. Even I cant answer that question, only Elrond knows the answer. But trust me, hes important to this whole situation. Elrond is keeping him secret, I dont know why. It will be revealed tomorrow, on the Council.
Sam is walking through Rivendells gardens looking at the clear night. He sees a beautiful figure standing on a bridge near a waterfall. It is Arwen.
Sam walks up to her on the bridge. She looks at him and smiles.
ARWEN: You are Sam, right?
SAM: How do you know my name?
ARWEN: Oh, you are brave young hobbits. Every elf in this land should know your names. I never seen such courage.
SAM: Aragorn helped us.
ARWEN: Are you liking Rivendell?
SAM: Yes, I certainly do.
ARWEN: It is really a beautiful place, specially on a night like this. Look at the stars.
Arwen squats near him and sits on the floor. He also does that.
ARWEN: I was named before a star, you know. That one(she points to the star).
Sam doesnt look at the star, he cant take his eyes of her face.
ARWEN: What?
SAM: I dont need to look at the sky to see the stars. There are two in your eyes.
Arwen smiles.
They sit there looking at each other as a beautiful music is played by the elves.
Sam and Arwen sit closer to each other and they kiss. There is someone watching their kiss. Its Aragorn, hidden behind a tree.
Its morning. The Council of Elrond has just started. Everybody is sitting on a huge table. Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.
{mospagebreak}
Elrond turns to the guests and introduces the three.
ELROND: These are three great fellows that I asked to come.
LEGOLAS: I am Legolas. The fastest archer on Middle Earth.
BOROMIR: I am Boromir, son of Denethor and of Gondor.
GIMLI: I am Gimli. Im the toughest freaking dwarf youll ever see. If you see a tiny fucking dwarf crawling up your fucking ass and sticking an axe up your crap hole while getting his dick sucked by elven whores, THATS ME! AAAAAAAAAARGH!
The three sit at the table.
ELROND: We do still have a special guest. Come in!
The small figure walks in the room. He jumps up on the table, takes his coat of and reveals himself. The whole room is surprised by the figure.
ARAGORN: Oh my Eru!
SAM: Oh Lord!
RADAGAST: Hell no!
BOROMIR: Shit!
MERRY: Lick me!
THE SMALL FIGURE: My name is Willow.
EVERYBODY: Aaaaaaawwwww!!!
WILLOW: I am the son of George Lucas and ILM. Im here on a special mission, invited by Elrond, to destroy Saruman.
ELROND: I think he can do it.
GANDALF: Oh, but I completely disagree. Are you, Master Elrond, telling me that this project of a dwarf is going to kill Saruman, The One of Many Faces?
WILLOW: Hello, Gandalf. Nice to see you again. You still have doubts about my power, dont you?
GANDALF: Power? Just because you have a magic wand, you think you can take anyone in Middle Earth? You worm crap!
Gandalf was full of rage.
GANDALF: TRY ME, GREAT WIZARD WILLOW! TRY MY MOTHER FUCKING POWER!
ELROND: Enough!
The whole council sits quiet.
ELROND: You will take separate paths. Willow, you will walk to Isengard. And you Gandalf, you will take care of the ring.
BOROMIR: The what?
ELROND: Frodo.
Frodo gets up and puts the ring on the table.
ELROND: Its the One Ring.
BOROMIR: Woooooooooooow!
ARAGORN: The whole fucking world is in our hands. This is a job that will take great responsibility from all of us. Its the ultimate power machine, a power so great that could wipe any fucking sign of life from this land. If we do care for Middle Earth, so the ring has got to be destroyed in Mordor, in the fires of Mouth Doom. We cannot give up by any means. This is the last stand against the powers of Sauron, The Motherfucker. And I will take it there. I dont know whos coming with, but if I have to go there alone, I will do it. In case you all forgot, I am a bad motherfucker!
BOROMIR(to Aragorn): And who the fuck are you?
LEGOLAS: He is Aragorn. Isildurs heir.
BOROMIR: This motherfucker right here?
LEGOLAS: Yep.
{mospagebreak}
ELROND: We need someone to take it there. To take it Mordor.
GIMLI: Theres no way in hell an elf is touching this ring!
LEGOLAS: I can take it there, with your permision Elrond. Im capable of doing it.
GIMLI(to Legolas): Hell, I like you! You can come over to my house an fuck my sister!
BOROMIR(to Gimli): Oh, you little fagot, you make me wanna vomit.
GIMLI(to Boromir): Maybe because my dick is so far up your butthole that is poking your stomach!
BOROMIR(to Gimli): Bullshit, it looks to me on your best party, you end out of the crack on your mamas ass and ended up as brown stain under my foot!
LEGOLAS(to Gimli): Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag you piece of shit or did you have to work on it?
Willow farts.
WILLOW: Yo quiero Taco Bell.
GANDALF(to Willow): What an ignorant little motherfucker!
Elrond stands up.
ELROND(to everybody): You unorganized pragnastic gob of teleplastic shit!
RADAGAST: Hell, Im just standing still here wondering how white bitches like you cant curse.
BOROMIR: Usually Im a good curser, but my throat hurts.
RADAGAST(to Boromir): Bullshit! I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
ELROND(to Radagast): Shut up, Radagast.
RADAGAST(to Elrond): Well, considering your status I would say: Lick my balls!
FRODO: I will take the Ring.
Everybody looks at Frodo. The room is now silent.
ELROND: Are you sure about this?
FRODO: Yep.
ARAGORN: I will go with you, Frodo. You have my sword.
LEGOLAS: And my bow.
GIMLI: And my axe.
BILBO: And my dildo, if you need one.
BOROMIR: Well, since you are all going. You can count on me, Frodo.
Sam, who was hidden behind a chair, jumps out and comes up to Frodo.
SAM: Hell, this son of a bitch aint going nowhere without me.
Merry and Pippin also jump out of their hidding place and come up to Frodo.
MERRY: Hell, we are going to.
PIPPIN: I dont think you need anything more than a lot of strenght in Mordor. Look at my muscles. Im tough! Woo hoo!
ELROND: Eight companions. You will be guided by Gandalf and Radagast. The ten of you will destroy the ring. You are the Fellowship of the ri
ng.
RADAGAST: More like the Brotherhood of the Ring.
BOROMIR: Im not your brother.
RADAGAST: Well, you certainly doesnt look like a brother.
{mospagebreak}
A little later, on one of the gardens of Rivendell, Sam and Arwen kiss. They are totally in love with each other. Someone appears from behind a tree. Its Aragorn.
Sam and Arwen stop kissing and look at him.
ARAGORN: Well, well well… Look who it is… Hi, bitch.
ARWEN: Im sorry, Aragorn. Ive been meaning to tell you.
ARAGORN: What? That youre banging him? I knew that.
ARWEN: Im sorry, but my love for you exists no longer. Sam is my love.
SAM: Its her choice.
Aragorn turns and walks away.
Frodo is on his room on Elronds house. He and his uncle Bilbo. Bilbo pulls out a sword and hands it to Frodo.
BILBO: Its Sting. A very powerfull blade, made by the elves. Many heads were chopped by this sword, believe me.
FRODO: Its very light.
BILBO: Yep.
Bilbo notices the Ring in Frodos neck, hanging on a chain.
BILBO: Is that my Ring?
FRODO: Uh.. uh.. yes…
BILBO: Can I hold it?
FRODO: No.
Frodo steps away from Bilbo. He can see that his uncle cant take his eyes of the ring. Bilbos eyes change, they look evil.
BILBO: Just once. Please. I just want to hold it.
FRODO: No, its safe here.
Bilbo is desperate.
BILBO: Its my ring. My ring. My precious.
FRODO: Step away, Bilbo.
BILBO: Step away?
Bilbo pulls out a 45 pistol and points it to Frodos head.
BILBO: Give me the ring. Now.
FRODO: Put the gun down, Bilbo. Please, dont do this.
BILBO: I am the true ring bearer. Give it to me.
FRODO: Bilbo the ring has to be destroyed. For gods sake, put that fucking gun down!
BILBO: NOBODY IS GOING TO DESTROY ANYTHING!
FRODO: Bilbo, look at yourself. What the fuck is going on?
BILBO: I found it. Since the begining. I took away from that damned creature Gollum. I took care of it all these years. It came to me! IT CAME TO ME, FRODO! ITS MINE! MY RING! GIVE ME THE FUCKING RING!
FRODO: No, I wont give you anything, you son of a bitch!
BILBO: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bilbo shoots Frodo 9 times in the chest.
BILBO: Die! Die! Die!
Frodos chest is full of holes and his clothes are wet, stained in blood.
Frodo closes his eyes and dies.
Bilbo realizes what he had just done.
BILBO: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Gandalf arrives at the room and sees Frodos body.
{mospagebreak}
GANDALF: What the hell is going on!?
BILBO: What is going on, Gandalf? The ring is going on. The ring. The ring. I killed him for the Ring.
Bilbo puts the gun on his mouth shoots himself. He falls dead on the ground, with a large hole on his head.
Elrond and Gandalf are in a big, dark room, alone. They are discussing the Fellowships destiny.
ELROND: We cannot let them die.
GANDALF: They are already freaking dead!
ELROND: Not Frodo. Not yet. His courage was the thing that helped him bring the ring here to Rivendell. We owe this to the little fucker. Bilbo shot himself in the head, we have no chance in saving him. But Frodo has a chance.
GANDALF: What?
ELROND: Bombadil. You know who he is. He can ressurect Frodo.
GANDALF: I shall guide him to the Old Forest.
ELROND: Alright. The Fellowship stills exist. But its eight companions now. Pippin will take the ring.
SAM: SEVEN! If its to save Frodo, Ill go with him.
ELROND: This is the second time this happens! What the hell is going on? Cant you hobbits read? This is a top secret meeting.
SAM: Oh, I think your mistaking me for somebody who GIVES A DAMN!
So it happens. 12 guests leave Rivendell. Gandalf and Sam take Frodos body to Tom Bombadil in the Old Forest. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, guided by Radagast go to Mordor. Pippin now is the ring bearer chosen by Elrond. Willow walks to Isengard alone to destroy Saruman. And one hobbit watches them leaving Rivendell. Hes covered by a cape, watching everything from a hill near the place.
THE NEXT DAY
Gandalf rides his horse, holding Frodos body covered by a cape. Sam rides a poney. They are going down the road really fast.
GANDALF: Are you holding on, Sam?
Sam, almost falling from his poney, answers.
SAM: Ye… Ye… Ye… Es… Es…!
GANDALF: Good, cause well go even faster now.
SAM: Fu… Fu… Fu… Ck… Ck…!
FAR AWAY
The Fellowship walks slowly towards the gate of Moria.
RADAGAST: Are you white boys tired?
ARAGORN: We should rest now.
RADAGAST: It has been only a day since we left Rivendell, you bunch of lazzy ass whiteys!
LEGOLAS: I am an elf and I can walk any distance without needing a rest.
RADAGAST: Who the fuck asked you that?
GIMLI: Yeah! Who asked you that, Legolas?
LEGOLAS: Ill be silent now, because Radagast asked.
{mospagebreak}
RADAGAST: You dont have to be silent, just talk about something interesting. The only body part I want you to keep silent is your ass.
LEGOLAS: I can tell a joke.
RADAGAST: Yes, tell us a joke.
LEGOLAS: Why did a dwarf cross the street?
GIMLI: Grrrr!
LEGOLAS: Because there was gold on the other side! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
The whole Fellowship looks at Legolas. No one laughs.
BOROMIR: That wasnt funny.
MERRY: Well, I can sing a song.
BOROMIR: You sing songs, little one?
MERRY: Yes, me and Pippin are great singers.
PIPPIN: Im not going to sing now. Im too sad. This ring, its so heavy.
BOROMIR: I bet it is. But sing a song, Merry.
MERRY: Its called "Gay hobbits"
In the mighty Shire,
There lived a hobbit who cutted grass.
He was a little wierd,
He liked a dick up his…
ARAGORN: Shut up! No cursing, please.
The Fellowship continued walking through valleys and hills, crossing rivers, climbing rocks and mountains.
THREE DAYS LATER
Gandalf and Sam arrive at Tom Bombadils house. It was built on the foot of a hill, beautiful and simple. But nor Gandalf or Sam could enjoy that place, while Frodo was dead.
Gandalf and Sam jump out of their rides.
SAM: Are you sure he can do it?
GANDALF: Oh, I hope so.
They knock on the door.
GANDALF: Tom!
Tom blasts out of the door and starts dancing and singing in his garden.
TOM:
A doll, schmoll!
I like the sun and I like the wall!
Woopsie – daysies!
Woopsie – daysies!
A car, schmar!
Peter Jackson needs new glasses!
Yeepie – Kay – Yay!
Yeepie – Kay – Yay!
Oh, my lord! Frodo is dead.
I think Ill ressurect him and eat some bread!
Old MacDonald had a farm!
Yee – I – Yay – I – Ow!
{mospagebreak}
Tom enters the house and so does Gandalf and Sam. Inside, they put Frodos body on a table and wait for Tom to do something.
TOM:
Hey, Frodo, what are you doing?
Wheres the tomato I ordered for a nooner?
When I slip my finger and scream: Meeeeow!
You will wake up and eat some cow.
Gandalf and Sam were sitting on Toms chair in awe. They couldnt take their eyes of Tom, what a magical being!
TOM:
HEY FRODO, MEEEEEOW!
WAKE UP NOW AND LICK
MY SALT!
Frodo opens his eyes.
Gandalf and Sam search for the bullet holes on Frodos chest and there are none.
Sam hugs Frodo.
SAM: Thank God you are ok, Frodo!
TOM: Well, thank me! Hey, Hey, Hey!
FRODO: Whats going on?
GANDALF: Rest for a while and I will tell you what happened, Frodo.
5 DAYS LATER
The Fellowship arrives at the gates of Moria.
Its night and the river near them is calm and silent, as is the Fellowship.
The huge gate appears to have been drawed on the rocks of the huge mountains. The Fellowship is tired and hungry, they have hardly stopped for eating or sleeping.
RADAGAST: Theres something written there.
GIMLI: Its the 3 riddles of
the green parot.
BOROMIR: The what?
GIMLI: Its the three riddles that need to be solved so we can get inside.
LEGOLAS: Dwarves…
RADAGAST: Do you know how to solve it?
GIMLI: No. But the first riddle says: "Who am I if the hall is full of birds?".
ARAGORN: What does that mean?
GIMLI: I dont know. Arent you Isildurs heir?
ARAGORN: Yes, what the fuck does that mean?
GIMLI: Arent you suppose to be the smart ass?
BOROMIR: Wait, lets try to solve this thing. Who am I if the hall is full of birds?
RADAGAST: A bitch.
The gate unlocks. The doors open to reveal another gate.
{mospagebreak}
GIMLI: You solved the first puzzle!
RADAGAST: How the fuck did I do that?
ARAGORN: I dont know, but keep it up.
GIMLI: This one says: "Two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each one got a fish. How many fish did they bring home?".
MERRY: I think I know the answer. Well, if there are two fathers, its the grandfather and the father. The two sons are the father whos son of the grandfather and the fathers son. So, the answer is…
RADAGAST: Slurp my butt.
The second gate unlocks. Theres still one more gate…
GIMLI: Just one more.
PIPPIN: What does it read?
GIMLI: "Where am I if Im not here and the tomatoes are fresh?"
RADAGAST: I have no idea.
Frodo and Sam are on the road to hobbition, with Gandalf guiding them.
GANDALF: …so, thats what happened.
FRODO: Pippin is taking the ring?
GANDALF: Yes.
Gandalf stops his horse.
SAM: What?
GANDALF: I have to go there and help them. You two will have to go back to Bag End by yourselves. Goodbye!
Gandalf turns his horse around and rides back to Rivendell.
FRODO: Are we really going to go back to Bag End?
SAM: And miss all the fun? No fucking way!
FRODO: Thats what I was thinking. Lets go.
SAM: Yes, well pass by The Green Way, then we cross Noisywater river and go through the Valley of the dark river.
The two hobbits, walked and walked, and walked. They stopped at night, slept for a few hours and went on through hills, valleys, plains.
But somebody is watching them. The same hobbit that was watching the Fellowship leave Rivendell. Who is he?
The Fellowship is still at the gates of Moria. They still cant solve the last puzzle.
ARAGORN: Where am I if Im not here and the tomatoes are fresh?
MERRY: Its pretty tough.
GIMLI: Aaaaah! Who cares!
Gimli pulls out a rocket launcher and shoots the door. An explosion opens a large hole on the gate.
LEGOLAS: That was certainly easier.
The Fellowship walks into the gates and into The Mines of Moria.
Its dark, wet, tall and rough. They walk through the mountain for a long time, stopping for eating and sleeping. They stop at the begining of a long hallway for resting.
The whole Fellowship is sitting and eating their food.
Radagast aproaches Pippin, whos sitting alone, far from the rest of the Fellowship. Radagast sits with him.
{mospagebreak}
RADAGAST: So, how are you feeling?
PIPPIN: Fine.
RADAGAST: Really?
PIPPIN: Yes. Radagast, I saw something.
RADAGAST: What?
PIPPIN: A monster-like creature.
RADAGAST: Gollum. The motherfucker has been following us for 3 days.
PIPPIN: Gollum?
RADAGAST: Yes. Dont worry. Hes harmless.
PIPPIN: I dont know.
RADAGAST: Pippin let me tell you a story. Just a little moral lesson. When I was living in the north, in Brooklynion, I had a friend that was a dealer. Nigger was dealing coke all over the fucking place. Some good shit. But I always told him: "Never deal coke with strangers". But the nigger didnt listen to me. Some people from the south came up to him and asked him to make a huge sale. Some big fucking deal. Son of a bitch was all happy about it, told me he was going to stop dealing after this last order. Guess what happened? The south people put a bullet up the niggers ass and stole the merchandise. Get it?
PIPPIN: Whats the moral lesson?
RADAGAST: Never deal coke with strangers.
PIPPIN: I dont deal coke.
RADAGAST: Who cares, nigger! I was just trying to tell you a goddamn story.
FAR AWAY
Willow walks to Isengard.
Willow burps.
WILLOW(to himself): Yo quiero Taco Bell.
FAR AWAY
Frodo and Sam are near Lothlorien.
They suddenly hear footsteps behind them. They look and see the hobbit. He takes out his coat and reveals himself.
FRODO: Who are you?
THE HOBBIT: I am………………………………..Folco Gamgee.
Frodo and Sam look at him, silent.
SAM: Your from the Shire, your one of my cousins.
FOLCO: Yes.
FRODO: What are you doing here, following us?
FOLCO: Yes, you got a problem with that?
SAM: Yes, we do! What do you want here?
FOLCO: I am here to help. Trust me. But my pacience is running tin and I dont think you can make it to Mordor by yourselves.
FRODO: Yes, we can!
FOLCO: I will help you take the ring.
SAM: We dont need any help. Go back to the Shire.
FOLCO: What? Did you just told me to go back to the Shire? SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! IF ANYONE OF YOU SPEAK A FREAKING WORD ABOUT ME HELPING YOU, IM GONNA BLOW YOUR FREAKING HEADS OFF!
Frodo and Sam just look at Folco.
FOLCO: Now, come! I will take you to a place where you can rest.
Frodo and Sam follow Folco as he walks to Lothlorien.
{mospagebreak}
IN MORIA…
The Fellowship enters the room with Balins tomb. Gimli cries as he looks at the body of the Lord of Moria.
BOROMIR: We cant stay here much longer.
GIMLI(crying): I cant believe hes dead.
Merry looks at a large crack on the ground.
MERRY: I wonder how deep that crack is…
Merry takes a Dwarf skull and throws it down there. It makes a huge noise.
RADAGAST: What the FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
Radagast takes out a 45 pistol and shoots Merry in the head. Merrys body falls on the crack.
PIPPIN: Oh my God! Are you out of your damn mind?
RADAGAST: He was asking for it!
An army of orcs blast through the door.
The Fellowship take out their swords.
LEGOLAS: Lets kick some ass!
THE FELLOWSHIP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Aragorn and Boromir take out their shotguns and blast the 5 first orcs.
Legolas takes out his bow and shoot 9 arrows in less than 2 seconds. He hits a bunch of orcs.
The orcs, armed with Machine guns start shooting at the Fellowship.
They hide behind rocks and pillars.
Gimli pulls out his rocket launcher and shoots at the entrance. The explosion blast lots of orcs in half.
Pippin hides behind Radagast.
A troll enters the room.
TROLL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
The troll hits Aragorn with his hammer, then, he hits Boromir in the head, who flies against the wall.
Radagast gets his staff and sticks it up the trolls ass!
TROLL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
The troll tries to hit Radagast a few times, who dodges the strikes.
LEGOLAS: Your mine, you big, fat, freakfest.
Legolas shoots 34 arrows into the trolls chest in less than 3 seconds.
TROLL: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
Boromir tries to atack it from the back.
The troll farts and the Radagasts staff comes flying out of the trolls but and hits Boromir in the stomach.
Boromir and the troll both fall dead.
RADAGAST: Run! Everybody run!
Radagast, Aragorn, Pippin, Legolas and Gimli run through the long hallways of Moria, followed by armies of orcs.
They arrive at The Bridge of Khazad-dum.
Radagast looks behind him and sees it! The rest of the Fellowship also look at it. They all open their mouths in awe!
RADAGAST: THIS IS IT!!!!!!
GIMLI: OH MY LORD!!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!
LEGOLAS: AI AI, ITS A BALROG!!!
{mospagebreak}
The huge demon of fire and shadow stands up ans opens his mouth. Fire comes out of it.
Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Pippin walk through the bridge and get to the other side.
ARAGORN: Co
me, Radagast!
RADAGAST: I am the LORD OF THE BLACK FLAMES!!! GO BACK TO THE SHADOWS!!!
The Balrog takes out his huge, flame sword!
RADAGAST: GO BACK TO THE SHADOWS!!!!
The balrog strikes Radagast with his sword. Radagast dodges it. It hits the bridge!
Fear and excitment are on the Fellowships mind!
The balrog takes his whip.
RADAGAST: I WILL DIE! BUT I WILL TAKE YOU OUT FIRST!!!!
The balrog steps closer to the Bridge.
RADAGAST: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU AINT GONNA PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS!!!!!
The Balrog prepares to strike Radagast for the last time with its sword.
But something stops it! ITS MERRY!!!
Merry is on top of the balrogs head. Hes stabbing the balrog with his sword repeatedly.
Radagast hits his staff on the ground and an explosion happens. The bridge cracks.
The Balrog falls into darkness with Merry.
MERRY: Goodbye, my friend Pippin!
We never hear Merrys voice again…
Pippin starts crying. Radagast, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and the ring bearer Pippin run out of Moria.
As they get out of Moria, they stop and sit down. Everyone cries.
Aragorn holds Pippin. Pippin screams for his friend Merry.
PIPPIN: No. Hes not dead!!!! Please no!!!
Gimli is also crying and Legolas comes and hugs him.
ARAGORN: We lost two great friends today. Well never forget them. Boromir, the brave warrior from Minas Tirith. Merry, the brave hobbit from the Shire. Theyll stay in our memories and in our hearts.
FAR AWAY
Folco, Frodo and Sam are walking on a long, dark road. They have passed by Lothlorien and now are walking besides the Anduin.
SAM: How did you find out about the ring?
FOLCO: I spyed on Frodo and Gandalf.
SAM: Why did you came?
FOLCO: Its none of your fucking business.
FRODO: Yes, it is.
FOLCO: Ok. You want to know the truth?
FRODO: Yes.
Folco transforms into SAURON!
{mospagebreak}
FRODO: Oh my Lord!
SAURON, is back with his black armor, as tall as a troll. Suddenly, the sky is grey and cloudy. Its getting dark. The power of Sauron is too great.
SAURON: Give me the ring! I know you gave a fake ring to Pippin! The real ring is in your pocket.
FRODO: NOOOOOOOO! HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?????
SAURON: I am Sauron, The Motherfucker! GIVE ME THE RING!!!!!
SAM: Dont give it to him!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
Sauron takes out his sword and kills Sam, choping his head off!
SAURON: Hell, bitch, Im gonna ask only one more freaking time!
Frodo takes his mask off, to reveal that hes actually Saruman.
SAURON: You?
SARUMAN: Yes!
SAURON: Your not Frodo?
SARUMAN: No!
SAURON: This is not the One Ring?
SARUMAN: NO!
SAURON: So, wheres Frodo?
Frodo is near the place. Hes eating cake for breakfast and waiting for Sam. He eats a piece of cake and some chocolat stays on his hand.
He sucks the dirty fingers. He looks at his hand and notices that he sucked the ring and eat it with the chocolat.
FRODO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The ring explodes inside Frodos chest.
THE EXPLOSION IS SO STRONG WIPES OUT THE ENTIRE MIDDLE-EARTH
FAR AWAY
Willow sees the fire of the explosion coming in his direction.
WILLOW: Yo quiero Taco Bell.
FAR AWAY
Gandalf sees the fire of the explosion coming in his direction.
GANDALF: I knew this was going to happen. Shit.
FAR AWAY
The Fellowship sees the fire of the explosion coming on their direction.
ARAGORN: Fuck, I cant die now, I still havent had sex with Arwen!
GIMLI: I was born with only one ball.
LEGOLAS: I was born with no balls.
RADAGAST: Im not black, I just paint my face to look like Samuel L. Jackson.
PIPPIN: Im addicted to cocaine.
{mospagebreak}
FAR AWAY
Elrond sees the fire of the explosion coming on his direction.
ELROND: I wish I wasnt chosen for the Matrix sequel. I hate martial arts.
ARWEN: Im a man. I had a sex change operation.
FAR AWAY
Fimbrethil sees the explosion coming on her direction.
FIMBRETHIL: I wish I hadnt died so early on the story.
FAR AWAY
Deriel sees the fire of the explosion coming on his direction.
DERIEL: I wish I was born a baby elephant.
FAR AWAY
Tolkien sees the fire of the explosion coming on his direction.
TOLKIEN: I wish Folco stops doing this stupid adaptation.
The explosion hits the entire Middle-Earth. No one survives. Not even Bombadil.
THE END
